clive and his cross dressing !!

Clive has just finished six weeks of radiotherapy. We didn't think it would be as bad as it was! The first two weeks were OK, but then the soreness started and because of where they were directing the radiotherapy it was all around his bum and his penis (which I can only imagine how sore that would be especially as radiotherapy can give you diarrhea and poor Clive got that as well on top of a red raw bum!) It was horrible to to see him in so much pain and in the end he couldn't go to work which I must admit I was happy with! As I can relax more when I can see him and look after him. We have joked and said I will be like the nutter Cathy Bates out of 'Misery' and soon people will be asking were Clive is and I will say he's at work, but really he will be tied up with his legs broken just so I can look after him!! In the end even walking was painful and when ever he could he would try to get some air to it, it was like having a teething baby all over again! One day I was passing a local market when I spotted a stall selling Caftan's so I got him one hoping that it might help. On the same trip I got him some tight pants so if he did have to go out, it would hold his sore bits tight rather than them hanging lose and rubbing. When I got them home at first he refused to wear the caftan but then he tried it on (much to me and the kids laughter ) and felt the air on his bits he came round to the idea! The next day I picked up our little girl from nursery and on the way home while she was telling me what went on in her morning she said " I told my teachers all about my daddy's sore willy and I told them that he has some nice new knickers and a dress!!! So now Clive is probably being talked about in the staff room of our local school as the poor man with cancer who now seems to be into cross dressing! I am glad to say that Clive has seen the funny side! Now he is on a break from his treatment until he has his op in about July and he has put his dress away (as far as I am aware anyway) but I think he quite likes his knickers! I will try to do more of a day to day blog soon now I have covered most of what is going on I think! I may add random bits of info here and there but please bear with me as I am not a writer but just a bit of a nutty woman with a passion for baking ( which at the moment I do allot of just to take my mind off things) who loves the 1940s and my wonderful husband and children.

treatment and my moments

Clive's treatment was to be 12 weeks of chemotherapy in 3 week cycles, with each cycle starting off with an intravenous dose then he took tablets for 2 weeks with a week  break in between. He started it 2 days before Christmas, so Christmas was a bit hard for all of us as Clive was on steroids to stop him feeling sick but instead they made him so tired that he was slurring his words like he was drunk, but honest he wasn't! Also one of the main side affects for the chemotherapy Clive was on was a feeling that he could only describe as pins and needles, but it could be very painful and it only happened when he got cold or touched anything cold, so going to the fridge was out of the question. I remember one day forgetting and asking him to get the milk out for me and he said 'yes' then I saw him putting his gloves on! He would also wear gloves around the house and we used to joke and say he looked like a serial killer! We used to call this feeling his fimbly feeling. Clive has dealt with this all so well and I have dealt with it as best I can but sometimes I have a 'moment' which is what I like to call it when I get upset it can be something as simple as Clive going to work in London for the day and I get upset worrying about him. I am not a weak person but when it happened a friend picked me up for coffee as Clive had the car, I thought I would be fine but we walked in the coffee shop and i felt so vulnerable all I wanted to do was go home to my nice safe house. as I am typing this I soundd so pathetic but this was just one of the many emotions I went through. I also started to think that I needed to commit every thing to memory, that when we cuddled Clive used to ask "are you smelling me " and I will admit I was. I just wanted to remember every thing about cuddling him because I just did not want to ever imagine not being able to remember what it was like, because when you hear the word cancer the thing you think of is how many people have died from it, not how many have survived it .

tests , tests and more tests !!!

As soon as we were told it might be cancer we were booked in for tests to confirm it. First was a C T scan then an M R I and then finished off with a colonoscopy. The CT scan and MRI weren't to bad for Clive apart from the fact that he is a big jess when it comes to needles! We also joked and said it was like dating again as most of the appointments were in the evening and as we have three children we cant be picky with our nights out! The last test was the colonoscopy ,now, 24 hours before this you need to starve yourself and then take two lots of liquid to clear yourself out and my god does it clear you out!! The day of the colonoscopy Clive was very nervous so unfortunately when Clive gets nervous he turns into a stand up comedian, for example when the nurse was asking him questions for her form, like are you allergic to anything? Clive responded with Paul Danial's bubble bath which I might add only brought him up in a rash when he was about 4! Then she asked how his hearing was and yes you have probably guessed he said pardon! Even the very frosty faced nurse broke a smile for that one! Once the procedure was finished the surgeon came round to say what he had found, but he could not tell us the exact diagnoses as he needed to wait for biopsy results but he did say that he thought it did look like it was cancer. To be honest from that moment without even waiting for any other results we had resounded ourselves with the fact that it was cancer and we just had to wait to make sure it hadn't spread and that was the hard bit, but that has been our only bit of good news that Clive's cancer is contained in his bowel apart from a few lymph nodes that they believe have been infected.

This is a bit about my life as it was and as it is now . First a bit about me and my mad family! I am 31 and have been married to Clive 33 for 10 years now. We have three lovely children Samuel 7(the chilled one ) , Grace 4 (the diva ) and Oliver 1 ( the comedian ) we also have 2 cats called perky and Bella and a puppy called Berty, oh and an allotment! I know you are all probably thinking that I am mad and you are probably right and just to add to all this madness we were hit with the bomb shell that Clive has rectal cancer. This is the reason I am writing this blog as I hope it will do many things one of witch is raise awareness of bowel cancer as a lot of people think it only affects the older generation but my husband is Proof that it can hit anybody at any age, also I want to maybe be of help to any one going through the same sort of thing. This blog will not be doom and gloom as we are not that sort of family, but also there are times when I fight back tears in the fear that they will never stop. I have a young family and me and Clive both decided that no matter what we will keep it together for the children's sake and each others .
It all started about October last year when Clive had an appointment to see a specialist because he thought he had piles I went along if I am honest to take the mickey as I thought he was just being dramatic because I had piles after giving birth to my children and being a woman I just got on with it! So we went along and I waited outside with Oliver for Clive to come out with a prescription for extra Strong pile cream but he didn't a nurse came up to me and asked me to come into the room. I knew from that moment that there was a big problem and sure enough as she opened the door I saw Clive's face and was told that just from examination he could tell us that there was a tumor and there was a high chance it was cancerous.

This is me!

Life changed for us mid October....